Trapped In The Rundown Of Love

Anything involving Roger Clemens these days has descended into pure unintentional comedy (you couldn’t come up with parody as good as his testimony in front of Congress over Brian McNamee), and you’ve likely read the news that has been all over sports and music blogs better than this one you are reading about an “intimate” relationship that the Rocket had with country star Mindy McCready that started when she was 15.

McCready told the NY Daily News she couldn’t refute a word of the original article. Clemens’ attorney Rusty Hardin says the relationship was never sexual (um, sure it wasn’t), and I can’t add a whole lot of indignation outside of the “god, that’s absolutely vile on his part” type, although it did take a while for this story to get a lot of play, on, say, SI or ESPN (betcha it would have been faster if it was a new item on Kimberly Bell, right?) Isn’t it typical that McCready’s got both plans for a new album and a reality show as this breaks? All press is good press if you’re in entertainment. That aside, I can only expand upon this with the fun of song titles about the whole matter (and baseball in general) for her comeback. Some of them would be for Mindy, and others likely for an aggrieved Debbie Clemens (provided she’s actually bent out of shape about this.)

• “Don’t Let Our Love Go Inside The Foul Pole”
• “Walk-Off Love (Bottom of the Ninth)”
• “You Hit One Into The Upper Deck of My Heart”
• “Broken Bats and Broken Hearts”
• “Hit By The Pitch of Love”
• “I May Be Young, But I’m Ready For The Call-Up”
• “Suicide Squeeze (Trapped In The Rundown of Love)”
• “Double Switch, Double Talk, Double Cross”
• “Sliding Head First Into You”
• “Calling for a Pinch Hitter (Hit The Showers!)”
• “My Bases Are Loaded, Now Swing For The Fences”
• “He Wanted A Double Play, But Struck Out Swinging”
• “Slump Buster (Driving One Into The Gap)”
• “You Stole My Heart When You Stole Home Plate”
• “Make It A Doubleheader, Baby (Let’s Play Two)”‘

If you’ve got others, drop them in comments….

Photo: Getty Images

Mindy McCready weeps as she confirms affair with Roger Clemens [NY Daily News]

The Clemens-McNamee Congressional Testimony Drinking Game.

With the Rocket and his former trainer both set to take the stand in about six hours (hopefully I can get myself up at 6:30 AM) for what is likely an elaborate form of Kabuki Congressional Theatre, even with Andy Pettitte telling Congress that Clemens used steroids, you may be in need of some form of entertainment. Generally, I don’t advise drinking prior to the job or on the job, but if you’re going to watch all of the testimony on ESPN News or what have you, you might want to have that flask, Bloody Mary, mimosa or Po’mosa on hand.

Here are your rules, first for Clemens’ testimony. Drink if he:

1. Talks about his reputation and image that he’s trying to protect.
2. Does the Rafael Palmeiro finger-wag with his denial.
3. Calls McNamee a liar out loud.
4. Talks ish about BFF Andy Pettitte.
5. Calls out George Mitchell for including McNamee’s stuff in the Mitchell Report
6. Gets angry and cusses by accident.

For McNamee’s testimony, drink if he:

1. Says Clemens is lying outright.
2. Provides receipts, needles, or other evidence before the committee. (Chug if that evidence is in a beer can.)
3. Answers any question about possible extortion or any other reason Clemens or Rusty Hardin have provided as to why McNamee would accuse Clemens.
4. Mentions the number of times he allegedly shot Clemens up.
5. Describes in detail where (location and body part) he allegedly shot Clemens up.

Drink if any Congresscritter:

1. Blatantly kisses Clemens’ ass.
2. Lapses into any sort of “for the children”-type rhetoric.
3. Openly accuses either witnessing of lying or questions credibility.
4. Takes any potshots at Bud Selig or Donald Fehr, even though they will not be there.
5. Tells the story of someone from their district who was affected by/used PEDs.
6. Asks a question written for them that demonstrates they have no idea about the issue at hand.*
7. Tells a story of their childhood introduction/love of baseball.*
8. Utters a grammatical error or mispronounces a name in prepared remarks.*

*6 & 7 courtesy of commenter Jim Boswell; 8 added due to remembering “Palmeri” bit from last time Selig and Fehr were in the chamber
That should keep you busy and/or sneakily drunk by lunch. Have fun!

Photo: AP/Susan Walsh

Cheap Shots #106.

Update #1: 9:30 AM

Damn It, I Hate It When Whitlock’s Right: Broken clock rule on Roger Clemens. [Fox Sports]

Congresscritters Kiss Clemens’ Ass: No jury would actually, say, meet with the defendant before a trial — but essentially, that is what the House Government Reform Committee has done, according to Murray Chass. GC got similar remarks off the tube coming from the mouth of Bryant Gumbel. [NYT, Can’t Stop The Bleeding]

The Big Man Code, Ordinance 225.7: The fascinating war of words between Bill Walton and Shaquille O’Neal. [Awful Announcing]

Behind The Swoosh: CNBC’s Darren Rovell did a documentary-style program on Nike, and it’s airing tonight. Supposedly it contains some stuff about its seedier side — particularly in Vietnam. I’ll probably have to catch it on repeats, but it sounds good. [Sports Biz With Darren Rovell]

2008 Swimsuit Issue: Yawn. Read once, ogle twice, ignore for rest of the year. [Sports Illustrated]

Speaking of Nike-Related Stuff: The Legend of Cecilio Guante pays tribute to another product that Michael Jordan helped make big — the Jordan Jammer.

Bigger Choke Job: Bugs and Cranks looks at the 2007 Patriots vs. the 2001 Yankees.

The Latest Berman Video: This only gets more and more amusing.

Cheap Shots #105.

Barry Bonds’ Dogged Pursuer: Worth noting and reading — the judge in Barry Bonds’ perjury trial is not exactly enamored with IRS agent Jeff Novitzky. The man is just, say…a bit obsessed. [Yahoo]

Rusty Hardin Probably Should Reduce His Public Role: Roger Clemens’ attorney got himself in a bit of trouble with Rep. Henry Waxman after saying that they would “eat Jeff Novitzky’s lunch” if he showed up to testify against Clemens. I can’t help but think that Hardin is doing anything but helping his client. [ESPN]

Who The Heck Is Jim Zorn?: Really? This is the best Dan Snyder could do? I mean, sure at least he’s not Jim Fassel, but to promote someone who’s never even been an offensive coordinator or called plays at all seems like a stretch. Now both teams in the D.C./Baltimore areas are dealing with head coaches who’ve never been in charge of offensive or defensive units. [Washington Post]

NFC Comes Back To Win Pro Bowl: Majority of fandom yawns after watching two minutes of it to stave off prolate spheroid withdrawal.

OW. OW. OW: Thankfully, Richard Zednik is OK, but accidentally getting slashed in the neck by your own teammate’s skate…not for the squeamish. [Two Minutes for Blogging]

Christian Defense Coalition Protesting ESPN Again: This time over the released Berman videos that have him cussing a blue streak — his use of “Goddamn” and “the negative use of Jesus Christ.” I’m going to start my own political organization soon — it will defend faith against people like the CDC. [Awful Announcing]

Magic Johnson Confuses Me: Didn’t he say several months ago that Kobe Bryant shouldn’t have gone out and trashed management about not trading Andrew Bynum, now he’s just doing what a leader was supposed to do? Hmmm…. [L.A. Times]