How To Prepare For Not Leaving Your Bunker

(Not my set-up in actual life, but fairly close. My TV is bigger — slightly.)

Whether male or female, young or old, with an excess of disposable income or scraping by with the help of the folks or plastic, the true die-hard sportaphile is always planning ahead when it comes to the return of football to suck up the majority of your Saturdays and Sundays for a good four months.

Due to the rapid-fire nature of games on Saturday (even if you do not have GamePlan, there’s action somewhere on your cable box or dish) and the existence of either Sunday Ticket or hacking via SopCast, you have to be aware of the possibility of not leaving your apartment or designated viewing spot in your house for a good 12-18 hours at a time. (Let’s not forget the fact that I’ve scheduled the Channel 4 News League fantasy draft for tomorrow, too. Oy.)

If you live in the Pacific time zone, the benefit is that you can do this while still holding onto a semblance of a social life: with the last game usually done by 10 PM, there’s plenty of time to go out afterward.

Anyway, here are the must-dos for the proper viewing. The aim is to not leave the apartment unless you smoke and need a nicotine break.

1. Do all the beer runs, shopping, and other necessities on Friday afternoon or evening. I went to Costco and the local grocery store, to return with a 24-pack of Firestone Pale Ale, various amounts of junk food, and several items that can be cooked and prepared rather quickly.  In no way do you want to be caught without the necessary drink or grub for yourself or any friends who happen to pop by.

2. Properly set and angle your television.  The true couch potato always knows prime enjoyment comes when you have to do the least movement. If you are like me, the closer to a computer (if you have a desktop), the better.

3. Get up early enough to make your hangover food run. You have until 9 AM, pretty much, to go get that breakfast burrito or anything else.

4. If you are dating or married: please follow Orson and Holly’s rules regarding sex during the season. You have a recliner and a couch.  Certain positions are available for properly shared viewing. DO NOT try to time it to the game.

5. Lie back, get prone, and accept the warmth of football washing all over you (I promise that’s not the shame of shut-in status.) Plus, every beer you drink increases the intensity.