When A Verbal Apology Just Isn’t Enough.

Scene: New York City, in the offices above Tiffany & Co.’s store on Broadway. One of the company’s executives sits in his office, evaluating designs for its newest collection, when the phone rings.

Receptionist: Mr. Lamont, there’s a call waiting for you regarding an Elite Account.
Lamont: Entertainer, politician, or athlete?
Receptionist: Athlete, sir.
Lamont: References?
Receptionist: Codes provided by the NFL’s offices, usually given to their higher-profile players. Plays in Baltimore, name of Steven McNair.
Lamont: Put him through, Anne.
Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Lamont.

(Soft click, as lines patched through.)

Lamont: Hello, Mr. McNair. How can I be of service to you today?
Steve McNair: I was hoping you could help with a gift selection, Mr. Lamont. I thought of coming into the store, but I figured it might be better to do this over the phone.
Lamont: Understood. We keep Elite Accounts completely private, no surprises. Is there a particular order you’re looking into? Mother, wife, or girlfriend?
McNair: What?
Lamont: It’s easier to evaluate what you’re looking for if I know the nature of the relationship.
McNair: Um….wife.
Lamont: Appreciation or apology?
McNair: Apology. I may need one in advance, even though none of the stuff being floated in the papers is remotely true, y’know?
Lamont: You’ve called the right man. We’ve assisted high-profile men such as yourself when they find themselves either directly involved with or implicated in…delicate situations.
McNair: So, how much money should I be looking into here?
Lamont: Depends. We have the A-Rod level, which is $10,000+ — very popular, and if extremely necessary, there is the Kobe level — $500,000 and up per piece.
McNair: Neither level’s really appropriate. Anything in the 5-10K range?
Lamont: Plenty, at least as far as necklaces go. Rings, not as much. We’ll send along the catalog with those levels immediately, Mr. McNair. Give my assistant a call when you receive it and she’ll guide you through the process.
McNair: Wonderful. Thanks again, Mr. Lamont.
Lamont: We do what we can. I’d advise you set up an account with us in the future — keep a bit of it on hand in case something more…serious should happen.
McNair: I’ll take it under advisement.


(Thanks to the Big Lead for inspiring the idea. Odd tidbit that came across while semi-researching: Tiffany & Co. designed both the Lombardi Trophy and the current NASCAR trophy that goes to the Nextel Cup winner.)