“This Is The Business We Have Chosen.”

The line is one made famous by the character of Hyman Roth in The Godfather, Part II; it is expressed by Roth to Michael Corleone while determining a course of action in their business relationship, while Michael plots to get under Roth’s screws.

The reason we find these sayings in ultraviolent mob situations attractive is that they are universal when stripped of the illicit and violent intent, and I can’t help but think that Andy Reid is not considering that line or something akin to it. He watched two sons be given jail time and the judge refer to his home as a “drug emporium.” The mania and drive that forces him to spend long hours to figure out ways to win may have cost him the time to be a father, and despite his best intentions, he must now watch the lives of his sons fall apart.

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He’ll Need Every Cent of That $12 Mil Guaranteed.

I hadn’t intended to take yesterday off. Came back after a meeting at work, looked at the computer, didn’t want to type or think too much. Somehow SI got ahold of the Brady parody and the numbers spiked something crazy. Back to normal!

Obviously no one had the talk with Travis Henry regarding the birds or the bees, not in his home, not in health class, and certainly not at the University of Tennessee. Via the Big Lead, we discover that the big free agent acquisition of my beloved Horseheads has some major baby mama drama — nine kids by nine different women. The article mostly concerns the child by a Georgia woman, but it reveals some interesting bits:

  • Henry claims to only pull in $1 mil after taxes
  • he’s a spendthrift and nearly broke (again, so he claims)
  • He borrowed cash from the Titans the last time he fell behind on child support payments.

This is the beautiful pay off line:

[Lawyer Shiel] Edlin said Henry wants to be a good parent. “I know these are a lot of kids, and there might be some questions about it,” he said, “but he’s a really committed father.”

If he gets one more woman pregnant, he’s got himself an all-Henry football team, and frankly, I’d watch that reality show. HBO, get on this: it would be at least as entertaining, if not more, than Hard Knocks.

Nah, No Pressure.

Having an NFL Hall of Famer as your quarterbacks coach in high school would probably be just a bit intimidating. It might be more so if that Hall of Famer is also your dad, but then again, if you’re Jack Elway and living with being John Elway’s son, you’re probably used to dealing with unrealistic expectations.

Jack is the senior starting QB at Cherry Creek High School (disclaimer: I graduated from that fine, upstanding institution in 2000*) and head coach Greg Crichett wanted to bring his big-timer dad in last season, but John’s schedule didn’t permit.

“I had the time and wanted to coach,” the elder Elway said. “I figured this would be the last chance I’d get to do it. I talked to Greg, and he allowed me to come out and help.” Critchett said he talked with John before last season about helping as an instructor, but the logistics didn’t work out. Elway has modified his demanding schedule to make time this fall.

“The first thing he said was that he has something to give to all the kids, and there’s truth to it,” Critchett said.

There’s a lot of “catching up” here, as Elway’s divorce and business commitments often kept him out of the picture as far as involvement with Jack on a football level — and he admitted as much to the Denver Post, and much more in an interview with ESPN a while back about the troubles after his twin sister Jana died.

It’s gotta be tough to coach your kid, or be coached by your dad — not only are the expectations higher, but odds are you’re harder on yourself if you’re the kid and harder on you kid if you’re the parent coaching. (I get the same feeling watching Little League each year, with dads coaching their kids.)   At least the man is getting involved again while he still can — with two daughters already in college and his son with one more year, he’s only got so much time left. I’ve not kept up with the Bruins, but here’s hoping they can pull one off against Columbine this year (we hated them with a passion; hope that’s still the case.)

(*Fine and upstanding is being charitable. Great school academically, but let’s just say I’m looking forward to the 10-year reunion to see how many smug bastards are still living off of Daddy’s money.)

Photo: John Leyba/Denver Post

The Congratulatory Phone Calls.

A logical extension of February’s post on the subject, really. Scene: an unnamed hospital in the Los Angeles area, likely Cedars-Sinai. The newest daddy in the NFL is taking phone calls on his cell while outside the glass and peering at his newborn son.

Tom: Now, who’s Daddy’s little fantasy QB of the future? Yes, you are! That’s right! You are gonna be throwing it downfield with ease, kiddo. (Cell phone rings again.) Hello?
Matt: Hey there, Tommy! Congratulations, dude! I’m drinking in your honor! This is the best thing that could have ever happened to you.
Tom: Oh, I know; it’s awesome.
Matt: Kid got a name yet?
Tom: No, Bridget and I are still going over it. Got any advice for me, I mean, what did this feel like for you?
Matt: Greatest moment of my life, being a dad. It really focuses you, tells you what’s really important in life, you know?
Tom: Oh, definitely. (Hears noise in the background.) Where the hell are you?
Matt: Dude, I got into town a couple hours ago. I’m actually a few minutes away and the party is ON. Wanta join us, or do you want me to come over to the hospital?
Tom: Isn’t it your weekend with Cole?
Matt: Totally, but not until tomorrow, so, y’know…
Tom: Brynn’s gonna be pissed if she shows up with the kid and you’ve got someone over.
Matt: Dude, for what I’m paying her a month, she can deal. Besides, this girl will be gone in the morning, won’t you, sweetheart? (Semi-audible “you bet” in the background).

(Tom’s cell phone rings again; caller ID reads “Urlacher.”)

Tom: Matt, I’ll catch you later. Got another call.
Matt: Peace, dude!

(Tom flips over.)

Brian: Congrats, Tom. Boy or a girl?
Tom: It’s a boy. I’m so proud. Bridget’s doing okay.
Brian: Awesome, dude. You always remember every kid’s birth.
Tom: Yeah.
Brian: Just don’t let Bridget start controlling the kid too much, man, honestly.
Tom: What?
Brian: I’m telling you. With your schedule, she’s gonna turn him against you, might not raise him right, might just raise a fucking pussy without you around.
Tom: I think Bridget’s a bit more mature than that, Brian.
Brian: We’ve all been there, man. Look, just trust me — get someone to handle this, nip it in the bud early.
Tom: Um….

(Text message tone sounds. ID reads “Gisele.”)

Tom: Brian, I gotta take this. I’ll talk to you later, OK?
Brian: All right, man. Again, congratulations.

(Tom opens the text.)

Message from “Gisele”: “ok, the stupid kid is born, so DITCH THE BITCH ALREADY!!!”

(Tom closes the phone, sighs, and looks through the window again.)

END

(Author’s Note: I actually wrote this about an hour ago, then, this KSK post floated into my Google Reader, thus making me feel completely inadequate as a human being and writer, but I decided to finish this anyway.)

The Interrogation.

Tiger Woods became a father yesterday to Sam Alexis Woods, the first child in his marriage to Elin Nordegren (of course, announced on his web site.) The early years will be tough enough, I imagine, but we can only guess the difficulty down the road.

Scene: A large estate in Orlando, FL, where we see a Mercedes driving up into a giant parking garage and stopping. A young man, about 16 or 17 years of age, exits the car, checks his shirt, grabs the flowers out of the passenger seat, and begins to walk up to the front door. He straightens up, and rings the doorbell.

Butler: Ah, you must be Mr. Young. Take a seat over on that couch over there; Sam is getting ready.
Teen (Nervously): Oh, um, sure…thanks.

(He walks over through a large foyer, into a waiting room with a large TV, and sits on a couch, luscious and comfortable enough to fall into. There are various trophies on the walls, belonging to not only Sam, but to her father as well. He hears footsteps and stands up, almost a bit too quickly. Tiger and Elin walk in. Tiger is greying, and his hair has thinned a bit on the top. Elin has slight creases in her face, but outside of that, it’s hard to see that they’ve aged.)
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Better Call Shawn Kemp For Some Advice, Mr. Dukes.

As if Devil Rays’ OF Elijah Dukes didn’t have enough problems — five kids with several different women, standing accused of threatening to kill his soon to be ex-wife (mother of two of those kids) — to affect him during a season where’s living up to his on-the field promise, now a foster girl living in the care of his step-grandmother (17 years old, to boot), told the St. Petersburg Times that Dukes is the father of her baby:

The girl, expected to give birth Nov. 5, told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. She said Dukes got angry when she and another person confronted him about the pregnancy.

“Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me,” she told investigators.

That’s six kids to, I think, four mothers, if these rumors turn out to actually be accurate, by the age of 22 for Dukes. Now, it’s not like athletes having kids out of wedlock is anything shocking these days (never mind for society in general, I was born to single parents), but shouldn’t someone, maybe his own mother, have said something about all the kids a while back?

Dukes’ mother, Phyllis Dukes, said she didn’t know about the allegations.

“He’s doing well on the field,” she said. “He’s doing so good. It’s just every time he turns around there’s something coming at him.”

Oh. Well, fuck — this guy’s screwed. Who’s gonna be able to help him? The only positive ot of this is that at least it won’t result in any charges. I thought 17 would jibe with Florida’s age of consent laws, but from what I see (scroll down), the girl would have to be 18 to consent, so let’s make that a “YET.”

Living Through Your Kids A Bit Too Much.

I’ve long thought that the best thing for parents with children involved in sports at most levels (particularly those with decent to good athletic talent) is to stay the fuck away. Attend, cheer, but sit back and relax. We get incidents in youth leagues all the time, and it’s always even more problematic when it’s for your country and the parent happens to be coaching.

Ukranian team official Mihail Zubkov has been banned from coaching or participating in events after getting into a fight with his daughter Kateryna Zubkova (age 20) after she missed making the finals of the 50-meter backstroke at the World Championships in Australia. MJD got the video for the FanHouse, and it’s a doozy:

Zubkov can’t go within 200 feet of Kateryna, and has a court date today. Sometimes, you just gotta stop living through your kids, or things like this can happen.