In Which I Lob All Sorts Of Obscenities At Andy Reid

andyreidvscardinals

Eagles 48, Cardinals 20 – In a thorough defenestration of an Arizona team that holds up its bargain of the “No West Coast team shall win on the road on the East Coast” Law of the 2008 Football Season, we saw the classic form of Iggles offensive football, the way it was when they were getting to conference championships (without T.O.) That said, the following rant should apply whether you are a Philly fan absolutely frustrated with the inconsistent play calling of Andy Reid or a fantasy owner who has had to play the guessing game with Brian Westbrook all season with his health and whether Reid would actually, y’know, get him the ball again:

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS THE LAST THREE WEEKS, YOU USELESS COCKGOBBLING SACK OF PROTOPLASM?? WHAT SET OFF THE WHOLE “Oh, maybe I should make a point of emphasizing Donovan McNabb to Brian Westbrook” THING AGAIN, YOU TURDBURGLING FUCKNOZZLE? YOU FORGOT HE EXISTED FOR THE PAST FUCKING MONTH AND THEN YOU RECALL YOUR BEST OFFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY AFTER WE’VE GIVEN UP ON THIS HALF-HEARTED, UNDERACHIEVING SHITCAKE OF A TEAM? GET FUCKED RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN EAR, YOU STUPID TWATWAFFLE!!!

That feels better. Yep, I benched Westbrook after four weeks of nada and look at what I got. He had 4 TDs, as did Donny Mac, and DeSean Jackson and Jason Avant sniffed end zone too. At least I got one from Jackson, and I picked up quite a few TDs in the other two games.

Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9 – The Seahags have descended to the level of a JV team. Tony Romo threw three TDs, hitting Martellus Bennett, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens (three TDs for me!) Cowboys fans, do not confuse this with any sort of a return to form yet — it’s only Seattle, it might as well not count. Hell, if they didn’t blow them out, we’d be asking what the hell was still wrong with this team. Mike Holmgren, the Original Walrus, has looked like someone stole his bucket all season long.

Titans 47, Lions 10 – Tennessee came angry, ready to run some motherfuckers over. Detroit was more than eager to be those motherfuckers. 252 rushing yards total in the game, two TDs a piece for Chris Johnson and LenDale White (four more for me!), and a Vince Young sighting after the game got out of reach, and a comedic reminder of just how horrid the Lions are on the way to 0-16. Everyone keeps telling me the Saints are the only team the Lions have a chance of beating. I don’t think they could even bother to defend Drew Brees at this point. Telling sign: post-game, when they gave Johnson, White, Kevin Mawae, and one other Titan awards after the game, there wasn’t a Lion fan left at Ford Field. They couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

A final note on the Thanksgiving entertainment end of things: NFL, do us a favor and get halftime acts for these games that people who watch football could actually give a shit about. Jesse McCartney and the Jonas Brothers do not count under this rubric; neither does that tiny pixie brunette whose name I can’t recall that butchered the anthem before ‘Boys-Hags. Just sayin’, Lord Rog. If you can ratchet up the player discipline, you can certainly contract out the entertainment to someone who has half a clue about what football fans want to watch.

7 Responses

  1. I cannot possibly overstate how impressed I am with your second paragraph.

  2. That 2nd paragraph should make this the sports blog post of the year.

    The Seahawks are done for at least 3 years unless Jim Mora is a miracle worker. I cannot wait to see John Marshall fired. The man is a terrible d-coordinator and thinks putting Julian Peterson on T.O is a great idea.

    Speaking of done, Matt Hasselbeck is the new Shaun Alexander. Let him go and I’ll happily take Sam Bradford.

    I am so glad I live in Seattle, where sportswriters make our sports teams’ struggles seem like comedy and no one is rioting on the streets………(gets pitchfork).

  3. Guys, it’s 12 hours later and I’m still considering sending a care package of black tar heroin and Colombia’s finest export to Andy’s sons.

    That’s how pissed I am, and I’m not even a fan of this team. I just like Donovan McNabb a lot on top of all the fantasy implications.

  4. Sorry to be a total cheesedick, but that Seahawks game was at Dallas, and I felt like the Qwest field statement implied otherwise. But overall the comment about the 12th man is correct. Most of us were called up to play wide receiver.

  5. Skeleton, don’t sweat it. I will fix. Thanks for catching that.

  6. Wow, S2N, tell us how you really feel about Andy Reid. The sad part is, I’m an Eagles and I actually agree with you. You don’t know how much I want to see Reid out of Philly. I started a blog just over that.

    *cue shameless promotion: http://www.fireandyreidnow.blogspot.com
    End shameless promotion*

    Andy Reid and his deplorable play-calling has cost the Eagles a shot at the post-season this year. The team has the talent to get the job done against anyone, but the “stupid twatwaffle” on the sidelines has ruined this year, this team, and quite possibly Donovan McNabb’s time in Philly. Lurie and Reid are pretty much as close to gay sex partners as you can get and that will (unfortunately) prevent him from being fired anytime soon. Just the other day, I was reading in the Philadelphia Inquirer that a source close to the Eagles say the Eagles think Reid is doing a solid job. EXCUSE ME WHILE I BARF! Sigh…So when fans call for a change this offseason, they’re gonna get rid of McNabb and he’s going to go somewhere and he will shine like a star where he goes. Bank on that.

    Remember, I’m an absolutely diehard Eagles fan!

  7. […] In Which I Lob All Sorts Of Obscenities At Andy Reid […]

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