The Shakedown, Week 3

To get you in the proper state of mind for this Saturday’s OSU-USC tilt, we pass along the latest from Catlab:

Right. Now that you’re properly terrified at the acid-drenched mind necessary to come up wtih stuff like that, let’s get to it:

  1. Oklahoma – by evaluation of wins, I’m going to have to up the Sooners on beating a Big East foe handily that is not actually complete crap. Cincinnati is growing as a program, and that’s respectable — we can also expect the Sooners to go to Seattle and drive another nail in Ty Willingham’s coffin at Washington.
  2. USC – No one else’s 2nd week defeat was impressive enough, and if your local bookie is offering you a line of 10 or lower for this Saturday, take the Trojans big time. I expect this to be at least an 11 point margin.
  3. Georgia – Mark Richt & Co. beat a decent Central Michigan team soundly, so this moves them up. Might as well consider South Carolina frosting; it’s not like they’ve got anything resembling offensive production right now. Still concerned about Matthew Stafford unraveling at some point.
  4. Mizzou – Another thrashing of a cupcake. This week’s game against Nevada should be interesting — the Tigers’ spread against the Wolf Pack’s pistol formation.
  5. Florida – Looked vulnerable against Miami until the fourth quarter; is lucky the ‘Canes offense is completely non-existent.
  6. East Carolina – Beating VA Tech and West Fuckin’ Virginia will get you a Top 10 spot, easy. Let’s see if the PIrates can keep it up with their Conference USA schedule against Tulane this week.
  7. LSU – Victimized by Gustav. Sorry.
  8. Texas – the game with Arkansas is in flux thatnks to Hurricane Ike, which may rob me of the glee to watch Bobby Petrino get raked over the coals by Colt McCoy’s arm and Will Muschamp calling his offensive line all sorts of nasty names.
  9. Texas Tech – Process of elminiation. Still wondering where the defense is in Lubbock.
  10. Auburn – Goddamnit. They have a QB in Chris Todd, but it’s still all fits and starts for Tony Franklin’s offense. Wold rathre put them here than Alabama right now.

Piss Right Off, Will You?

  • West Fuckin’ Virginia: I said last bowl season that hiring Bill Stewart was a mistake. Last week, I got proof.
  • Notre Dame: Bad offensive line, poor defensive play despite Jon Tenuta in charge, and Jimmy Clausen now looks like even more of a douchebag, if that had been humanly possible before.  They now put me in the uncomfortable position of rooting for Michigan.
  • South Carolina (AGAIN): Steve Spurrier once reflected on his reasons to return to college football, adding that there are no Vanderbilts in the NFL. Well, if you can’t beat the actual Vanderbilt, what good are you and your squad?  Head Ball Coach won’t actually be fired — he’s the only thing that makes people outside of Columbia care about the ‘Cocks outside of easy, cheap dick jokes.

What I’m Hoping To Catch Glimpses Of That Isn’t OSU-USC:

  • UCLA-BYU: A much tougher test for Rick Neuheisel, Kevin Craft, and that patched together O-line, but after seeing Washington nearly pull off the upset, give the Bruins a bit more of a chance than you think, even though they’re heading to Provo.
  • Cal-Maryland: For no other reason than needing to see such ineptitude that leads one to lose to Middle Tennessee State on TV.
  • Wisconsin-Fresno State: I’m pulling for Pat Hill’s Mustache Riders here.
  • Kansas-USF: You can’t tell me Todd Reesing vs. Matt Grothe wouldn’t be fun.
  • Georgia-South Carolina: Yeah, the Cocks are gonna get fucked raw, but it’s on CBS, and that means the return of Uncle Verne and Psycho Cousin Gary to my home on Saturday afternoons.

Final note: I think this is one of the weeks where I’m running the Pam Ward Chronicles over at Awful Announcing, so make sure to zap over as I try to keep up with all the dumb shit our beloved play-by-play and color people will be spouting.

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