(If this seems familiar to you, you might want to read this post from the last NFL off-season.)
Scene: Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden and GM Bruce Allen are sitting in the team’s war room, looking over available free agents and trade bait.
Allen: Look, Jon, we’ve got quite a few holes we need to fill here because we can’t expect the Saints to suck like that again — and God only knows the Panthers could somehow fulfill their promise.
Gruden: Fuck, Atlanta’s beyond help, though, right?
Allen: Yeah. Moving on — we need some line help on both sides, our linebackers aren’t getting any younger, and considering the fact that Cadillac’s damn near a lemon and losing a couple other RBs to injury, maybe paying Michael Bennett isn’t enough. Oh, and our best receiver is Joey Galloway. That’s a problem.
Gruden: Fuck that shit, Bruce. What if anything happens to Jeff?
Allen: Um, there’s Gradkowski….
Gruden: I told you last year, asshat — I’m not trusting my team to someone from fucking Akron.
Allen: Luke did well when he got his shot.
Gruden: If I wanted a McCown, I’d have gotten the semi-competent one and he signed with the new mob boss down in South Beach.
Allen: It’s Sparano, not Soprano, Jon.
Gruden: What-the-fuck-ever, Bruce.
Allen: (Sighs.) What about Chris?
Gruden: You want to pay him another bonus for nothing? Fuck that. We need an insurance policy. I want this guy.
Allen: We’re gonna waste a pick and send it to Chicago for Brian Griese, someone we got rid of two years back because he got injured like he always does? Are you nuts? We’ve got line needs! We could use someone for Jeff to throw to!
Gruden: You’re not hearing me out, Bruce…I mean, I can’t just trust some flake from the Second Family of QBs and an Akron Zip, man. Fuck….
(D-coordinator Monte Kiffin opens the door, pokes head in.)
Kiffin: Guys, I could really use a linebacker, maybe a safety here — Ronde can’t exactly do it all any more…
Gruden: Aw, piss off, you old fuck. It’s not like they have to do a whole lot in the Tampa Two — just keep the fuckers in front of them! Now, just go make sure Ronde’s asshole brother isn’t trying to talk him into retiring too.
Kiffin: (Grumbles.) Dammit, if Lane could only have canned that Rob Ryan fellow…
Gruden: Like that had any chance of happening, old man. Your boy isn’t getting one over on the damn Cryptkeeper and you know it. Get going.
(Kiffin slams the door.)
Allen: Jon, I don’t know why you want this guy. He couldn’t beat out Rex Grossman in Chicago, got the job when Grossman got hurt, and then lost it to that drunkard masquerading as a third-stringer — whom I have to remind you that they kept!
Gruden: Yeah, but I got a spot all planned for him; he’ll do what I say, and nothing more, and when I’m done with his reps for the day, he just goes in the collection in my office. It’s not like the pick’s that expensive, Bruce. I mean, fuck. I need some slightly used mediocrity for my collection, dammit! Rob Johnson is collecting dust and I had to loan Brad Johnson out to Wade and Jerry.
Allen: (Mumbles.) Seriously?
Gruden: Yeah, Bruce. I’m telling you: This will completely validate me. If I can win another Super Bowl with a barely serviceable QB, it’s my name in the annals of history. I AM AN OFFENSIVE GENIUS, AND I WILL BE FUCKING VALIDATED!
Allen: Ugh. Do what the hell you want. Your funeral, Jon.
Gruden: Fucking awesome. While we’re getting some of the old-timers back before they go to the retirement homes, I got a phone call from Warrick’s agent…
Bucs Bring Back Griese, Meet With Dunn [Tampa Tribune]