Scene: The new head coach of the University of Michigan’s football team is moving into his new palatial estate in Ann Arbor. All utilities are in, some furniture still needs to be moved around. Rich Rodriguez parks, walks in, and sees the blinking red light on the phone for a voice mail.)
Rod: Hmmm. Wonder if that’s Rita asking for more cash for hairspray, but she’d have my cell anyway…(punches voice mail code, puts it on speaker.) What the fuck’s this shit?
(The voice mail message is a mess of assorted moaning, screaming, grunting, and the sound of wood, leather, and other upholstery crackling.)
Rod: That sounds like Ed and Mike.
Ed Pastilong, WVU AD: Hello there, you traitorous fuck. Too bad you’re not home; we just wanted to call, see how the move went, and wonder where our money is.
Mike Garrison, WVU Prez: And we found someone new. Someone who appreciates us for what we are, and is actually happy to be here — never mind a BCS game winner. So we’re celebrating without your lame ass, dipshit! Hope your no-account trash wife has all the tanners and peroxide she can’t live without!!! Why don’t you introduce yourself to the asshole, Billy?
Bill Stewart, new WVU coach: (grunts, moans) Wha?
Garrison: We got Rodriguez’s voice mail. Tell him about us.
Stewart: Really? Oh. Ahem…Rich, you gotta understand, it was nothing personal, but you just left them feeling so alone, left ’em all in the dust like that…hell, left me…
Rod: Like I’d drag that backwards-ass fucker to Ann Arbor….he wouldn’t know what to do with himself….
Stewart: Anyway, I just wanted to say, I hope we’re still friends, even though I won with the kids you couldn’t and got to move into the house you built. Promise I’ll take real good care of it for you, y’know?
Pastilong: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BILL? Rich, your ass is as good as dead to us. It doesn’t matter if he can’t recruit, it doesn’t matter if there were others talking like they wanted our job, he’s perfect. It doesn’t even matter if you pay the buyout…
Garrison: Um…yes, yes it does..
Pastilong: Oh right….well, fuck it, we still want that $4 million back, but you aren’t ever gonna hurt us again, because this fella, well, he’s West Virginia through and through…and…
Garrison: Ed, Governor Manchin says he’s coming over. Should he bring anything?
Pastilong: More booze and extra lube! We’ve still got a party to finish, and guess who’s not invited, Rich? YOU! Now, you, Coach Boy, what the fuck’s your name again….
Stewart: Bill Stewart, Ed…(sighs.)
Pastilong: Bill. Right, just keep telling me how you’ll never leave us, ever…
Rod: (Stunned silence.)
…Godspeed. Hmmm…call the phone company and make sure this number isn’t fucking listed.
Photo: AP/Matt York