The Red Zone, Week 16.

Mmm….four and a half hour nap, so that’s why all the games are in one update (except Skins-Vikings, right now.)

Tom Brady shows us all his O-face.

Patriots 28, Dolphins 7 – It’s so cute how the Hobo keeps throwing Brady and Moss back out there until the last series of the game. Aw, he wants Brady to get Peyton’s TD record too! (The Newsie is now at 48, I believe, one back of Cro-Magnon #1.) The best thing Cam Cameron could say about Miami QB Cleo Lemon, as relayed by Nantz and Simms, and picked up while I fuzzed out in between R.E.M. sleep and half-consciousness: “He’s never missed a practice.” Fat lot of good it did him.

Titans 10, Jets 6 – You mean to tell me that the Titans still have a shot at the playoffs, despite another effort that was less than much on the offensive end? Hell, Vince Young just wins football games, but this is a defensive team right now. All they have to do is take out the Colts (a team that’s already locked up its playoff spot) and they’re good.

Bengals 19, Browns 14 – And the reason Tennessee is in that spot is because Cleveland shat the bed against its in-state rival. Derek Anderson was mortal again, and the Bengals looked like a team that actually knew how to play. Imagine that. However, given that the Browns defense is still the worst in the league, that’s no comfort.

Colts 38, Texans 15 – All you need to know: six of the first eight Colt drives resulted in points. Tony Dungy will be sitting people next week against the Titans.

Giants 38, Bills 21 – All touchdowns were scored in one end zone in this game. I know how this script goes: Giants clinch playoff spot, get blown out in first round, but this year, Coughlin will actually get fired.

Bears 35, Packers 7 – The road to the Lombardi Trophy in the NFC will go through Dallas thanks to the winds and cold at Soldier Field, plus an insane Chicago defense that blocked several punts and picked the Gunslinger off twice.

Lions 25, Chiefs 20 – Goddamnit, Herm. Get a late touchdown miracle on 4th and 14 from the Detroit 34 and you don’t have the sack to go for 2 and tie it.

Eagles 38, Saints 23 – Losing Marques Colston to a chest contusion makes your passing game worse, and Donny Mac needed a gift like the Saints’ awful secondary to make mincemeat of in auditioning for trades next season (seriously, you think he’ll be in Philly next year? Those fucks want to run him out.)

Jaguars 49, Raiders 11 – This was the worst of the three blowouts I was saddled with on local TV. I slept through the back half of this game (Pack-Bears was the other game) and the majority of Fins-Pats. All I can tell you is that David Garrard is still underrated, Fred Taylor still has speed, and this team is scary if its wide receivers can catch. As for the Raiders: um, there’s some work to do.

Seahawks 27, Ravens 6 – Nice of you to chip in a fourth quarter TD* to avoid a shutout, Baltimore. We all really know what happened.

49ers 21, Buccaneers 19 – Is Shaun Hill actually going to get a shot at being a starter for the Niners, or are they giving Alex Smith another shot next year? I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason to care about this game.

Cardinals 30, Falcons 27 – OT finish via a Neil Rackers kick. The Arizona defense is bad: if you’re giving up 300+ yards passing to Chris Redman, you suck. It’s a law.

Photo: AP/Elise Amendola

*thanks to Des for the fix.


3 Responses

  1. S2N,

    Derrick Mason scores the Ravens only TD, cutting the Seahawks lead to 27-6, then does his dance. That’s the Ravens in a nutshell this season.

  2. And they missed the extra point, huh.

    Thanks for the fix. I’ve got to care enough to read the wire copy on certain games.

  3. Didn’t miss the extra point S2N, Baltimore went for 2 for reasons unknown and missed.

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