It’s times like these where I wish I had any sort of skill with Photoshop or could farm it out (hint, hint to the reader base). Scene: The dank, dark depths of The Razor in Foxborough, where a crazed man, hunched over in his hooded sweatshirt and headband, without regard for the freezing temperatures, slaves in his workshop.
Doctor Hobo: Hmm, yes…so we have lost Roosevelt to a season-ending injury, with a linebacker corps exposed for being aged by that God-damned walrus and his trusty back-up quarterback. Adalius!
Adalius Thomas: Yes, Doctor?
Dr. Hobo: There is no need to panic, is there?
Adalius: No, Doctor. Vrabel is still intact, and Bruschi must simply soak for a week to restore his old bones. Junior appears to be a bit on the senior side this week, though.
Dr. Hobo: Good. You are young yet. I hope never to have to perform such miracles on you as I have had to do for those two. However, we must ensure the survival of our complete domination — the world demands it, I demand it, and we are capable of it!
Adalius: Yes, Doctor. How can we assist you in this endeavor?
Dr. Hobo: Revive the cyborg I had shut down in the corner twice this season. Get Richard to help you lift him out of the basement. (Resumes tinkering with soldering connections and large lithium battery.)
Adalius: Right away, sir. Seymour!
(Grabs lumbering Richard Seymour and heads to the metal storage units in the back of the basement. Richard Seymour skulks along to the back, where they retrieve a case marked “Chad Brown” and bring it to the Hobo.)
Adalius: Damn, that thing’s heavy.
Richard Seymour: Uh, how do we get this open, Doctor? I got a crowbar in the corner….
Dr. Hobo: Oh, use the combination, you asshat. (Unlocks case.) Just turn on his power and hadn him the contract under glass in the corner.
Seymour: Yes, sir. (Loads Chad Brown on a dolly and pushes it over to find the contract.)
Adalius: Is this all we require?
Dr. Hobo: No. For our final maneuver, we need to resuscitate the heart of this franchise, for our cold vengeance cannot sustain Thomas and Randall over 19 games by themselves. We must revive…the heart of this franchise.
Adalius: You don’t mean…
Dr. Hobo: Why yes, dear boy, I do.
Adalius: But, Doctor, he has played a comparable eternity in the midst of this franchise. He owns the team’s receiving records; he has returned kicks and punts and taken punishment from the opposing gladiators so many times he cannot even count them any longer. What use is he?
Dr. Hobo: Ah, you are still new yet to my ways. We are the Lazarus; you shall know it when you advance. Just ask Seau. Ah, here we are…
(The Hobo finishes the last connection on the table, and activates the connection as current flows through the wires, up and down the body of Troy Brown, as he struggles to animate yet again.)
Dr. Hobo: More current, Adalius! More to the system! I must have my creation join me once again, this time, for my greatest triumph!
Adalius: But, Doctor, the whole room could blow!
Dr. Hobo: If so, they will build me another one, just like it, and honor it in my memory. MORE, SIR! MORE!
(Adalius increases the wattage. Power surges are reported as transformers explode all over the suburb, some even reaching into Boston. Traffic lights go out, homes are without power, and yet, still, no movement.)
Adalius: We have failed, sir.
Dr. Hobo: Not yet, Adalius. Give it a minute…
(The creation moves; its arms slope to its sides, while the legs begin to shake violently. A grimace comes across its face as the muscles tense up, and release continuously — and without warning….it screams loudly and violently.)
Troy Brown: I AM FLESH, ONCE MORE!
Dr. Hobo: My creation, the ultimate team player, the one who battles beside me to the death, HE IS ALIVE!!!!
Brown: What is your bidding, Doctor?
Dr. Hobo: Dear Troy, I only wish you to join me as we take the champagne from those old, ungrateful and snarky louts of Miami as we send the unreasonable facsimile in their place to the ignominy of a winless season.
Brown: I will be by your side, yet again, as you wish.
Dr. Hobo: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Patriots put Colvin on IR, activate Troy Brown [AP via SI]