Michael Jordan Never Got His Own Gatorade Flavor.

This is just how Tiger Woods rolls these days, and the announcement that he will be the recipient of his own brand of sports drink from Gatorade called “Gatorade Tiger,” natch, is one of the more interesting marketing developments to my commercially addled little mind.

The deal has been in the works since the summer, and Golfweek reported earlier that it came down to Gatorade and Vitamin Water. It became obvious who won out when Woods began drinking from Gatorade bottles during the final month of the PGA Tour season, even when the Gatorade product wasn’t available at certain tournaments.

“Gatorade has been part of my game plan for years, whether I’m training or competing, so this is an ideal match,” Woods said in a statement. “I’m eager to launch my first signature product in a few months and look forward to developing additional sports performance beverages with Gatorade in the coming years.”

Everyone knows Gatorade is only tasty if you’re using it for its intended purpose in athletic activity or in extracurricular alcoholic activity (whether as a chaser or as a hangover cure.) That said, I certainly hope to purchase it when it comes out in grape, a cherry blend, and citrus blends — I suspect each will chase vodka fairly well — but I have to say I’m disappointed in the flavor selection, and would like to suggest these ones to Tiger if the line is ever expanded:

  • Phil Mickelson’s Tears (extra sweet when whipping a rival’s ass at anything)
  • Fried Chicken and Collard Greens (this is probably a Jones Soda flavor, so I understand why it was passed over)
  • Watermelon (this and the previous one are both Fuzzy Zoeller-approved!)
  • Thai Tea (gotta cover all aspects of those Cablinasian roots)
  • Swedish Ice (in honor of the lovely missus)

I’m telling you, the “Mickelson’s Tears” flavor will be flying off the fucking shelves. And you know other Gatorade endorsees will be looking to get in on some of this. “Gatorade Peyton” will likely be fruit-based, but will change flavors depending on how you shake it and how long it is chilled. “Gatorade Jeter” will likely be the least popular, because it will taste like a bad combination of starlet and A-Rod.

Update: Son of a…The Angry T did this gag ten times better, with Photoshopped goodness, and even made the Rory Sabbatini joke I couldn’t come up with at 2 AM.

18 Responses

  1. Phil Mickelson’s Tears – That is HI-LARIOUS. Great post. How about Venus’ vapor?

  2. Abarclay – that works, although I bet Serena would get higher sales.

  3. Sounds like Tiger has the world by the tail.
    The Sultan on Sports

    http://www.tsos20.wordpress.com

  4. I’d like my own brand of… toothpaste, and what the hey, why not my own mouthwash. Duffboy Mouthwash. Great and minty taste.

  5. I think lawyers should even as we speak, be drafting Michael Jordan’s formal request for compensation in this insidious beverage war. Why should a sportsman of his stature, ekeing out a meagre existence on a pitiful wage, have to be subjected to this blatant lack of respect caused by offering “El Tigre” his very own drinkee-poos? Why, he only hits a teeny-tiny ball with a big stick. Michael can put a large round thing through a metal hoop which is very, very high off the ground. Let’s get some perspective here!

  6. They couldn’t hold Jordan down long enough to squeeze the juice out of him, that’s why.

  7. I wan’t to drink a bit of Tiger Woods in a bottle! How exciting!

  8. […] This is just how Tiger Woods rolls these days, and the announcement that he will be the recipient of his own brand of sports drink from Gatorade called “Gatorade Tiger,” natch, is one of the more interesting marketing developments to my commercially addled little mind. … […]

  9. […] This is just how Tiger Woods rolls these days, and the announcement that he will be the recipient of his own brand of sports drink from Gatorade called “Gatorade Tiger,” natch, is one of the more interesting marketing developments to my commercially addled little mind. … […]

  10. […] This is just how Tiger Woods rolls these days, and the announcement that he will be the recipient of his own brand of sports drink from Gatorade called “Gatorade Tiger,” natch, is one of the more interesting marketing developments to my commercially addled little mind. … […]

  11. […] This is just how Tiger Woods rolls these days, and the announcement that he will be the recipient of his own brand of sports drink from Gatorade called “Gatorade Tiger,” natch, is one of the more interesting marketing developments to my commercially addled little mind. … […]

  12. […] This is just how Tiger Woods rolls these days, and the announcement that he will be the recipient of his own brand of sports drink from Gatorade called “Gatorade Tiger,” natch, is one of the more interesting marketing developments to my commercially addled little mind. … […]

  13. why were my comments deletded

  14. Ben – generally I view someone hitting five comments in a row in the same thread as a spam threat.

  15. Especially on a four month old thread.

  16. i hate you all !!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Ben- i why would u leave such nasty comments about gangs and just hating things . how old are you because a mature man wouldnt say anything like that

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