“I Had A Rough Night And I Hate The Fuckin’ Eagles, Man!”

Late to the party by a week, but since Brooks broke that the Eagles may be the halftime entertainers for the Super Bowl, it’s creating a definite buzzkill (I’m not even going to post a photo of the Eagles here; the smug emanating from Don Henley’s mug would kill WordPress). You’d have thought the NFL would learn. We all know that there are certain acts, even top ones, that the league won’t touch (and wouldn’t have gone near pre-Janet), but this is completely and utterly uninspiring after last year’s selection of Prince, who turned in the best SB performance in recent memory in Miami, belting “Purple Rain” as the field continued to be flooded.

I mean, I’m with the Dude on this one, despite knowing the lyrics to “Hotel California” from front to back (subject yourself to enough rounds at a karaoke bar and you will eventually do the same.) The Eagles love that somehow has accumulated over the years is absolutely beyond me, but I suppose that it makes sense that a lot of the crap country that Nashville is peddling these days has its artists claiming the Eagles as an influence. However, for the Super Bowl, we can do better.

So, where else can we turn for suggestions and alternatives? Funny you should ask. Here’s a short list:

Kanye West

Pro: Hip-hop enough to get the League some cred with people who actually know something about entertainment, but not threatening in a manner that scares the audience. Likes elaborate stage sets and big venues. Make sure he keeps quiet and doesn’t have any off-mic moments, and it’s a guaranteed success.

Con: ‘Ye is likely to be insulted by the fact that thousands are in the stadium because of a football game and not to see him. Expect a hissy fit in the dressing room at the very least.

Bruce Springsteen

Pro: Nails the casual baby boomer fan demographic, is recognizable name across all generations, has a new album which will no longer be “new” by January but will be looking for more impact headed into Grammy award buzz time. (That laughing you hear is at the phrase “Grammy award buzz.”)

Con: Squarely in that “old classic rock” vibe that seems to dominate Super Bowl halftime shows. Besides, can you pick something in his catalog that really screams “get the blood pumping for football” in his oeuvre?


Britney Spears

Pro: Desperate for any kind of attention, has singles and album to pimp, and would attract serious viewer attentions. Would come cheap so longer as the League helps cover legal fees in current custody battle.

Con: Probably the next best candidate for a “wardrobe malfunction.” Also this train wreck:

Although, watching someone obviously hopped on Quaaludes or any other drug and forgetting the lip-sync cues counts as a “pro.”

U2

Pro: I don’t think they’ve played the halftime show before.  Despite having their best days long behind them, have not gone and worn out their welcome in the Jagger-Richards method. As long as they avoid any songs post Achtung Baby, we’re golden.

(*They played halftime of Pats-Rams a few years back. Thanks, Chris.)

Con: Impending lecture from Bono about third-world debt in the middle of “Where The Streets Have No Name” at a commercial and advertising spectacle might be a bit weird.

Led Zeppelin

Pro: Already reunited for some form of benefit concert or tribute. Show Page, Plant and Jones the money already, Lord Rog. Can’t be that hard to get a medley out of them, and absence has made the heart grow fonder, unlike the Rolling Stones.

Con: Medley including either “The Battle of Evermore” or anything particularly acoustic or down-tempo will kill the vibe, God-fearing naggers will complain about Jimmy Page’s rumored obsession with dark arts.

Prince

Pro: Best halftime performance in YEARS last year.

Con: Been there, done that, should be already booked for the World Series in case of a Rockies victory for a performance of “Purple Rain.”

Ultimate Judgement: Bring Prince back again and pay him to play the Super Bowl every year with a different opener, Vegas-style. It’s really the only solution that would make everyone happy.

9 Responses

  1. subject yourself to enough rounds at a karaoke bar and you will eventually do the same.

    This is one of a myriad of reason that I hate karaoke.

  2. I thought that U2 played halftime of the Pats/Rams Superbowl. If not halftime, then pre-game? I remember them doing “Beautiful Day” in any case.

  3. Chris — dammit. Yes, yes they did. I’m not surprised I blacked that out.

  4. Well, as the resident contrarian it behooves me to point out: The way you feel about the Eagles, I feel about Prince. Criminally overrated by a bunch of music-mag doofuses who adore listening to songs about the wild, passionate sex they’re not having.

    Whereas the Eagles wrote at least six or eight solid tunes that are rightfully in heavy rotation today on classic rock stations. Yes, there was also crap like “Tequila Sunrise,” but everybody’s back catalog has some stinkers in it. For me, that doesn’t really take away from stuff like “Those Shoes” and “Already Gone” and “Victim of Love.”

    — Ajax.

  5. Is this gonna Kill You? No i Dont Think so !

  6. Zeppelin would be an interesting choice, but they should just do a 15 minute jam session. Those BBC recordings are just ridiculous. I still bump those CDs to this day.

  7. Hmm, good topic. First off, yeah, about that U2 Super Bowl performance: Wasn’t that the one that also included a tribute to WTC victims?

    My choices: Prince was fantastic, and Kanye West would work well. I’m guessing we did the Rolling Stones, too, at some point (plus they are really old, make the Eagles look young). A reunited Guns N Roses or Van Halen would be a big splash….

  8. SML – yep, that’s the one. Reunited Guns ‘N Roses? Hah. I think we’d see Velvet Revolver first — which is actually a direction the NFL might go in.

    Diallo – generally, I think a medley of the best hits, like Prince did (with some covers) last year is the way to go.

    Ajax – you and I will have this argument forever, but I’m not going to debate you on the description of the critics there. That was funny.

  9. I wonder how much money Jordan has made from his shoe line? Probably in the billions!

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