1. Indianapolis Colts (Scarlett Johansson) – The class of the division, head and shoulders above everyone else. No matter what happens during the downtime (bad script selection, or the loss of defensive players of the likes of Cato June), the drop off isn’t significant enough to knock ScarJo or the Colts off the perch. Replace Brandon Stokley with rookie Anthony Gonzalez? Check. Give Joseph Addai the ball more? Check. The only question is whether the new left tackle Tony Ugoh will be able to handle Peyton’s blind side.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (Jessica Biel) – In the litany of hottie actresses on the upswing, Biel’s always running second to someone, and such is the case with the Jags. The tandem of Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor (when he isn’t pulling a groin) is as good as any one-two punch anywhere in the league, but the acrimony between coach Jack Del Rio and QB Byron Leftwich leads to underachieving, as neither trusts the other very much. The defense should be semi-solid (I think Reggie Nelson will be a beast at safety); the question really is whom Leftwich is actually going to throw to. Reggie Williams and Matt Jones have been disappointing as wideouts.
3. Houston Texans (Paris Hilton) – The Texans have a rep with an offensive line that’s allowed about as much penetration by linebackers as the hotel heiress has from pro athletes and other rich party boys. However, there is a public attempt to get some respectability back after years of slumming it. DeMeco Ryans was the real defensive stud after the team passed on Reggie Bush and hometown hero Vince Young last year. They picked up Amobi Okoye to go with Mario Williams to get a pass-rush going, and ditched David Carr for Matt Schaub. Ahman Green may have a couple of good years left if the O-line resolves to be not quite so two-cocktails easy, and if Schaub can throw it well, he’s got targets.
4. Tennessee Titans (Lindsay Lohan) – Nothing more than wasted potential here, with the most disastrous off-season in recent memory, from the Pacman Jones saga to losing their starting running back and both starting wideouts in free agency — the Titans are going to have to hit rock bottom again to get back up. The only glimmer of hope for this team right now is Vince Young, and you don’t want to see that potential completely thrown out the window. Enjoy the cellar, Titans fans. Sorry.